Recently I got a call from a telemarketer telling me that all my neighbors were getting together to hire her company to spray about their houses to kill hobo spiders.
I picked up the call because she didn’t phone from a 1-800 number, and she was so pleased that I was being polite that she must have run through three or four pages of script before I could say a word. She was warning me about the dangers of these homeless spiders, saying that they are more aggressive as the football season gets underway because that’s when these railroad vagabonds mate and move in with people.
When she finally did take a breath, I told her the honest truth, which is that I am a poor person, and while I feared all kinds of spiders equally, homeless or not, I could not afford her company’s services.
“How much would it cost to have one of your people drive by my house and yell, ‘Yo, spiders, get away from that house right now!’ " I asked her, using my best Rocky intonation.
That threw her off her rhythm a bit and she switched to the page you read if disturbed people say they are too poor to buy from you.
I am more afraid of spiders than anyone I know, but that is, in part, because I understand all spiders are basically tarantulas.
I do several things at nearly the same time if a tarantula gets on my person.
1. I emit a noise that sounds like several turkeys being electrocuted. Have you ever heard a siren that sounds like a turkey being electrified? Well, that was probably me.