Steve Eaton

Commentator

Steve Eaton is a freelance writer who lives in Logan. He writes a column for the Deseret News and is a beloved commentator on Utah Public Radio.

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I don’t understand texting. Email is better. You do email on a computer. When you sit in front of a computer, you don’t walk out into traffic while communicating with someone.

Maybe it just bothers me that those who text seem to do it so fast and effortlessly. I feel like I have gorilla fingers and I’m trying to poke away at a dollhouse phone when I text. For every correct letter I type, I type two incorrect letters.

And yet, I am texting more and more these days because many of my friends in business and real life prefer it. In some cases, it is the only way to effectively communicate with someone who is not standing in front of you.

Hobo Spiders: Be Warned

Sep 22, 2014

Recently I got a call from a telemarketer telling me that all my neighbors were getting together to hire her company to spray about their houses to kill hobo spiders.

I picked up the call because she didn’t phone from a 1-800 number, and she was so pleased that I was being polite that she must have run through three or four pages of script before I could say a word. She was warning me about the dangers of these homeless spiders, saying that they are more aggressive as the football season gets underway because that’s when these railroad vagabonds mate and move in with people.

When she finally did take a breath, I told her the honest truth, which is that I am a poor person, and while I feared all kinds of spiders equally, homeless or not, I could not afford her company’s services.

“How much would it cost to have one of your people drive by my house and yell, ‘Yo, spiders, get away from that house right now!’ " I asked her, using my best Rocky intonation.

That threw her off her rhythm a bit and she switched to the page you read if disturbed people say they are too poor to buy from you.

I am more afraid of spiders than anyone I know, but that is, in part, because I understand all spiders are basically tarantulas.

I do several things at nearly the same time if a tarantula gets on my person.

1. I emit a noise that sounds like several turkeys being electrocuted. Have you ever heard a siren that sounds like a turkey being electrified? Well, that was probably me.

Eaton Family

On this Father's Day, UPR special contributor and Deseret News columnist Steve Eaton reflects on life with his father, Ed.

I suppose some people would find my father’s behavior embarrassing.

I’m sure some frightened people were probably tempted, at first, to call the cops when they discovered him on their front lawn early in the morning playing happy birthday to them on his trombone. By his own admission, his old battered instrument from college never could deliver that pure sound he hoped it would. But if he was on your front lawn, it was played with such reckless abandon that it would be easy to imagine it represented 75 more trombones gathered together in a parade in your honor.

Despite his unorthodox approach to life, my father has four grown children who see such acts of off-tune love quite remarkable. To say we are proud of Dad, is an understatement. No one else had a dad who wore an umbrella hat in public.

He was a trend-setter for us. For example, my Dad taught us the sweetness of the “slow roll.” My Mom, who was always a grownup, was sharing with us something long and important at a family meeting when my Dad started to rock back and forth slowly on the floor on his back - as if he was in a giant infant rockaRoo.

Marathon Man

May 29, 2014

UPR's Steve Eaton says he'll be running in a marathon next year. You can call him "Marathon Man."


Steve Eaton discusses his view of the snow- from growing up in Washington to living in Utah: snow is something special for him.

"People just wreck the snow in Utah. I know, I know, they call it the "Greatest Snow on Earth" and they charge people to see it. But they don't treat it with the respect it deserves.

In the olden days, when I lived in the state of Washington, we had a different attitude. That was back before Al Gore invented global warming, and things started getting colder in Washington. Back then, snow was rare. You didn't really need to watch the weather forecast in Washington unless there was a possibility snow was coming.

The new Star Trek movie is out, but Steve Eaton may or may not be at the theater. He has PTSTPRTS: Post Traumatic Star Trek Public Relations Trauma Syndrome from a traumatic experience with Cpt. Kirk and Spock. He tells us why you may be postponed from seeing the movie.


My Big Mouth

Aug 15, 2012

Steve Eaton talks today about the trouble he's gotten into when the words tumble from his mouth. Always in good humor and fun, sometimes the wrong things come out. And sometimes, they're the right things. 

Why should all wedding announcement pictures be the same? Steve Eaton thinks they should be as unique as the individual. 

Garage Sale Lessons

Jun 19, 2012

Steve Eaton talks all about the tricks of getting just what you want, and maybe what you don't really need, at a garage sale. 

Steve Eaton talks about the dogs in his life, the four legged ones, and the lessons we can learn from them. 

"The weather's warming up which means it's time to remember the colossal mistake."

Every family has an official designated shopper. Steve Eaton's family has a strict list of approved foods and forbidden food. As a columnist, it's his responsibility to talk about important issues of the day like eating chocolate chip cookies before 7:00 a.m. Also about the relationship between pink slime and the Occupy Wall Street movement.

Steve Eaton proposes a National Nap Initiative: Take a Stand Lying Down.

Mitt's been in such a good mood lately...Steve doesn't want to be around when he finds out he doesn't get to be president. Still, he feels a little bit sorry for him and is willing to bet you $10,000 that you wouldn't want to be him.

Steve Eaton went to a Mariners game once and sat in a suite, where people talked about banking and where there was free food, and it was not like any all-you-can-eat buffet he'd ever been to.

Steve Eaton loses everything...but he's not forgetful and he has a lot on his mind, like Sunny Bono. Even having a pager didn't help him.

Steve Eaton can't wait for the American economy to turn around so he can drive fast and eat tater-tots on vacation in Southern Idaho.

Family Anarchy

Feb 9, 2012

Steve Eaton's wife went out of town once and left him and the kids to their own devices.

Steve Eaton opens up about getting older and wondering what people are really trying to say to him.

Steve Eaton packs for a long day trip away from the office.